Being a parent is one of the most rewarding yet challenging jobs ever. Despite our paid job status, level of stress at the office, nothing can really come close to the amount of joy and worry which accompanies being a parent.

There are many different types of parenting. Some more authoritative styles allow very little room for compromise or promotion of independent decision-making in our children. At the other end of the spectrum, the more permissive parent often sets very few limits for their child. Parenting styles from both ends of the spectrum do not teach our children to regulate their own emotions and have shown to interfere with their ability to form healthy relationships as adults.

Somewhere in the middle of the continuum is a more fair and flexible style of parenting, where we are able to hear our children and provide them with choices, but simultaneously set the right limits and teach them self-control. Let’s be honest, despite our best efforts, do any of us ever attain this perfect balance of empathy and discipline? Probably not.

In times of frustration, when we are feeling completely overwhelmed by our responsibilities and everyone’s expectations, we all make plenty of parenting errors. We want our children to grow up feeling good about themselves and the decisions that they make. Yet how many times do we as parents regret what we say as soon as we say it? We need to be careful of the messages we send our children.

Common Parenting Errors and How to Remedy Them

1. Keep instructions limited and concise – Parents must limit the amount of talking they do if their intention is to teach or provide consequences. Let’s face it, parents talk a lot, often too much. Children can only focus for so long and this includes listening to their parents. Do not be surprised if after speaking for 5 minutes straight, your children have no idea what was said in the last 3. This does not mean they are ignoring you. It just means they do not have the capacity to focus for such an extended period of time. We must keep instructions and directions kids simple and concise so there is no room for misunderstanding.
2. Follow through on consequences – Parents provide way too many warnings. Our children are smart. They know how far they can push us. They know that when we say it is our last warning, that we really mean we will give three more. In an effort to keep control of a situation, we continually nag our children in the hopes that they will have empathy and see a situation the way we do. As parents, as difficult as it may be, we need to be prepared to put our money where our mouth is and follow through on consequences. Otherwise, how can we ever expect our children to take us seriously?
3. Stop using shame and guilt – We must stop using shame and guilt to get compliance from our children. Children learn empathy as they grow up, as they witness the empathy they receive from their parents and from others around them. So is it fair to expect our children to see things from our perspective? Are they really not cooperating, or are they just not providing the level of ‘compliance’ that we want from them? Children internalize negative labels that parents use in moments of frustration. We must remember to focus on the behavior, which might be unacceptable, and not erroneously label the child instead.
4. Actively listen – Do we really listen to our children? We expect our kids to be respectful of others and to learn proper means of communicating. The best way to teach this is by modeling it ourselves. Parents need to be attentive to their children, and not interrupt them when they are talking, no matter how preoccupied we might be. Listening effectively to our children includes maintaining eye contact, and ‘actively listening’ to them, which is a skill where we are able to convey our understanding by paraphrasing what has just been said and by being able to reflect their feelings back to them. If our children learn that what they have to say is important to us, they too will learn to respect what we have to say to them in return.

All this being said, communicating effectively with our children takes time and can be emotionally draining. But certainly well worth the effort. Children whose parents are respectful, engaged and provide consistent disciplinary tactics themselves learn to regulate their own emotions, feel better about themselves and grow up to have loving relationships as adults.

Until next time,

Sari